Friendship
An English columnist I read in the Spectator magazine, Petronella Wyatt, wrote an interesting column about friendship. Apparently, she has several friends (she calls them "candid friends") who feel obliged to give her bad news, providing disparaging information with every compliment, undermining her confidence while seeming to be helpful. For example, she describes friends who express surprise at her good performance. She says they're filled with "sweetness and spite".
We all know people like this: people who can't or won't provide useful advice but insist on making us feel inadequate to a task, people who insist on repeating negative remarks made by others about us, people who draw negative conclusions from incomplete or erroneous information and pass their conclusions on to us as fact. These people usually argue that we would rather know, that they're only trying to be helpful. We can only wonder whether there is deliberate malicious conduct involved here. Even if not, even if these people are motivated by a sincere desire to help, their conduct is unfortunate. It tends to make us unhappy without helping us do better.
These so-called friends also raise the question whether we would rather see all the negatives in a situation, all the pitfalls in relationships, or be ignorant and optimistic. For myself, I usually would rather be optimistic, believing that optimism and the right level of effort will eliminate the negatives and help us overcome the pitfalls. If we believe, for example, that someone we regard as a friend is actually trying to undermine us or dislikes us, we probably won't be able to disguise our belief. Then, whether or belief is true or false, we won't be able to interact successfully with the (former) friend.
There is a time for being candid, for providing constructive criticism. But being candid can't be an excuse for brutality and criticism which is purely negative is not constructive. Our comments must be helpful or are better unmade. If our comments are slyly malicious or designed only to tear someone down, they are better unmade. If we can't be conscientiously supportive of another person, it would be better to leave them alone.
Speak the unvarnished truth only when it will be helpful. Don't criticize unless you see a way to help the person you're criticizing do better. And avoid people who don't follow these rules. In that way, you'll be better in helping others and you'll prevent others from doing bad things to you.
{Apology: I was out of town last week and planned to upload this column on the road, only to find that I forgot to get the necessary software. I try very hard to publish a column every week unless I announce that I won't in advance. I'll continue to try to do better.}
2-2-04
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