Defensiveness
I recently read a magazine article about defensiveness. The article happened to be about defensiveness in business but its recommendations apply equally to other parts of our lives. Defensiveness is the reaction we sometimes have to a perceived attack. When we feel ourselves to be under attack, we respond without the good judgment we normally bring to situations. Instead of thinking before speaking, we respond quickly, treating the other people involved as enemies, as attackers. Instead of responding constructively to questions, we try to attack back. Instead of looking for the positive in situations, we treat everything as negative and respond in kind. As the article points out, the problem is particularly difficult in e-mails. We read an e-mail that may have typographical errors or other mistakes as if they were intentional criticisms and reply unthinkingly in a nasty, hostile manner. Then our e-mail is preserved as an example of our own poor conduct.
Defensiveness turns potential learning opportunities into confrontations, opportunities to advance our own thoughts into hostilities, opportunities to make friends into the creation of new enemies. Worse, our unthinking reactions will make people think we're stupid. Lack of thought because of defensive reactions will make others think us incapable of thought.
Avoiding defensiveness is easy if we're alert to the issue. All we need to do is slow down and think. If we can put ourselves in the right frame of mind, we need never be defensive. If we can treat everyone as a friend, even if they're not, we have no need to be defensive. When we receive an apparently hostile question or response, we should treat it as a friendly inquiry or constructive comment. Most of the time we'll find out the question was a sincere attempt to learn, the response a constructive effort to improve things. And even if genuinely hostile, our response will defuse the situation or at least not make it worse.
When we meet our own standards of conduct, by being friendly and attempting to be receptive to the questions and comments of others, we will eliminate the errors associated with defensiveness. Our responses will help others and, by helping others in this way, will make us feel better as well. At least, we will not foolishly lose the opportunity to achieve positive results from our encounters.
Think before you speak and try to avoid anger in all situations. Assume the best and respond in kind. You won't be defensive and there will be no need for defensiveness.
7-11-05
Home Page 2005 Archives 2004 Archives 2003 Archives 2002 Archives 2001 Archives 2000 Archives 1999 Archives